


rain

by orphan_account



Series: you say im a mess [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Dark, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self Harm, please dont read if youre like easily offended okay, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:47:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>louis falls for harry</p><p>harry falls for louis</p><p>but harry is sick</p><p>louis wants to fix him</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. explain

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  ♡♡♡♡♡♡ask me questions at [ niallvibes.tumblr ](http://niallvibes.tumblr.com)♡♡♡♡♡♡
> 
> so i pretty much dont even know what happened and this fic basically is the lovechild of my really weird writing style and some other weird fascinations i dont even know okay just do me a favor and enjoy it yay thank you for reading
> 
> ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
> 
> ****please read**  
> **  
>  if you have any major objection to basically any of the archive warnings please dont read. i chose not to archive them because this story is generally kind of rough anyway and there is also a huge trigger warning i need to mention so please read at youre own risk. otherwise enjoy!  
> **UPDATE FEB 25**  
> hey! so i was just wondering if you guys would like me to write in this style more? i have had this ziam in mind for like ever but it's not really working out writing it normally since i love this style so much more anyway. it'll be a lot more detailed and WAY longer so i don't know if that will be too overwhelming for a long story? let me know! 

louis is a student at a local uni 

and lives in a quaint apartment right down the road 

and its always raining where he lives

and harry is this gorgeous tattoo covered god 

that louis has a quiet fascination over in his child psych class on wednesdays thursdays and fridays

and louis finds him in the campus library one day 

and pulls the cliché i-dropped-my-pencil-right-in-your-peripheral-vision-on-purpose-on-accident-because-i-really-just-would-like-to-talk-to-you 

and when harry picks it up for him 

louis realizes its the first time 

he's hearing his raspy and low voice 

and his heart skips 

and then louis notices they have the same textbook 

and says 

"oh are you doing the math homework can you help me with it i have no idea whats going on" 

even though he gets straight A's in math 

and louis is usually this cheeky 

and confident social butterfly 

but when harry's around 

he's deduced to a quiet 

and nervous introvert 

and he can't explain it 

but when harry grips his fringe and pulls it to the side 

and his teeth are bright white 

and his dimples are showing 

he knows he's got it bad

and harry realizes a few weeks later 

when louis laughs harder than he should 

at a joke that harry made 

and he's gripping his stomach 

and rolling on his back on the couch

and sunlight catches his honey brown hair 

that he's got it bad too

but one day he disappears 

he's gone for weeks

its raining the day harry comes back 

he's washed out 

and has bags under his eyes 

and he's skinny

so skinny ribs are showing 

and louis rushes up to harry

and practically demands he knows where harry was

because he was so worried

when harry just disappeared

but louis realizes

when the vacant look on harry's face doesn't go away

that maybe harry hasn't come back yet

and it scares him 

a lot

so he minds his own and waits for harry to approach him again

but he doesn't

and one night

while louis is out with his friends

and he's to drunk to drive

and his uni budget won't allow him to call a cab

he walks home

and passes a club

with smoke pouring out the door when it opens

and the bass rattling through the windows

and a line around the corner

he spots harry

and he's alone

but he looks different

and he's dressed up

and looks fit

very fit

but not like harry

but louis is too drunk to care

and he struts over to harry 

who is now third in line

and harry gives him a confused once over

and understanding crosses his face

but it's not warm 

and he says

"you're the fag that harry likes"

and he snickers

and walks inside the club

and louis stands there dumbfounded

and really confused

until he starts to walk home

and tears are running down his flushed cheeks

and it starts raining just before he reaches his door

but hard enough to soak through his blazer

and he lies in his bed

and thinks that

it was a very bad night

and falls asleep to the sound of the rain

and three days later

its a wednesday

and time for child psychology

and he takes a deep breath

and walks in

and takes his seat 

the one right in front of harry's

and while they're waiting for the professor

he feels a gentle tap on his shoulder

and when he turns a bit

he hears "hi louis"

and he knows that harry is back now

but where was he

and should he even give him the chance

and he tries to ignore it

and face the front of the classroom

but he glances back

just for a second

and sees warm green eyes staring back

so he thinks

that yeah 

he should give him the chance

and harry tells louis

that he wants to explain everything

so they go for coffee after class

but when everything is too expensive 

they walk a few blocks

to louis' house

and harry flops down on the couch

and louis flops down next to him

and it feels right again

but louis has to stay stern

until he gets an explanation

and harry starts

and he tells louis that he has something wrong with him

and pauses

to see what louis does

but louis' expression hasn't changed

and he's still intently listening

and there's comfort in that

so he continues

and tells louis that the night he left

it was because of a suicide attempt

and then he says that he wouldn't call it suicide

because he wouldn't kill himself

but a part of him would

and he pauses again

but he's stressed this time

and he doesn't know how to get the words out

and he just wants to be normal 

and good enough for louis

but louis is still listening 

and he's eager to know 

and eager to help

so harry breathes deep

and says louis name

and the way he says it

it's like he really wants louis to understand

and really wants louis to know

but he really wants louis to stay too

and he doesn't think those things go hand in hand

so louis scoots closer

and puts his arms around harry

and strokes his hair

and kisses his forehead

and waits until harry is ready to continue

and when he does

louis is still listening

so harry racks up to courage

and blurts it out

that he has this disorder

that makes him different people 

at different times

and he says that he doesn't really know how to explain it

but he knows exactly how to explain it

he just doesn't want to

and louis says yea

like it's not a big deal

and if it's strange to him

then he is doing a wonderful job hiding it

and harry appreciates it

so much

and feels like he can tell louis

so he tells him the name

"dissociative identity disorder" 

he says

and he spits the words out 

like they taste bad

and louis is still rubbing through harry's curls

and he says

"tell me what it's like"

and harry tells louis

watching his expression after every sentence

to make sure he's not pushing him away

or making him uncomfortable

but he tells him

that he has two personalities other than his own

and they stem from a deep need 

or something he longs for

something that bothers him

and he gives the example

that he has a personality

who's name is also harry

and the reason he has that harry

is because he didn't feel good enough for his dad

because his dad hated him

and he inhales

and exhales

for being gay

so harry was the first alternate personality he developed

and harry is dark

and sophisticated

and a party animal

and he's _straight_

he stresses the last word

but he's mean

and angry

and doesn't care for anyone but himself

and he sleeps with so many girls

and doesn't give a shit about school or anything

and he likes real harry

but doesn't really like that he's gay

but he deals with it

and louis gasps

and he realizes something

that maybe he met second harry

that night when he saw real harry at the club

and maybe it wasn't real harry at all

and harry gets nervous 

until louis tells him

what possibly second harry said to him

that night outside the club

and harry hangs his head on his palms

and sits like that for a moment

and he turns to louis again

and cradles the sharp cheekbones in his hands

and apologizes over and over again

until louis is the one holding harry

and then he steadies him

and tells him he wants him to keep explaining

when he's ready

and harry nods

and tells louis

about the other personality

and laughs over his words

because its kind of ridiculous

that his other personality

is a 17 year old girl

and her name is darcy

and he says the reason that he has her

is because his sister ran away with her boyfriend when she was 17

and he wasn't the same

without her stability

and advice

and overall presence 

and she loved harry 

even after she found out about

the thing

that his dad hated him for

so he created darcy

and that's the only thing different really

from her and his sister

is the name

because naming her gemma wouldn't do her justice

because gemma had a presence 

and a smile

that harry couldn't replicate

but louis was thinking while he said this

that he had no idea what he was talking about

because his presence was warm

even now

and his smile was brilliant 

but he would tell him that later

because now wasn't the time

so he kept listening

and harry laughed

and told louis

that darcy cooks a lot of the meals in his house

and he always does well on tests when she steps in during class

and his face turned sort of grim

and he realized just then that he'd been avoiding 

what he really should've been telling louis

why he was gone for so long

and he looked louis right in the eyes

and squeezed his shut

and quietly said that he thinks 

that there might be another personality that is just now developing

and he doesn't know why

but he doesn't tell louis

that he knows exactly why

but what he does tell louis

is what this personality is doing to him

he hasn't had the chance to learn anything about it

like its name

or its personality

or even its gender

but it does things to him

that he doesn't want done to him

things like

throwing up his food

and stepping in

before he's about to eat

and throwing away the food

and letting harry come back

wondering where is food went

and it does weird things

like leave knifes around the house

and harry started to get scary skinny

unhealthy even

and he started to find cuts

on his thighs

and his hands

when he woke up in the morning

and he has a theory that it comes out at night

around dinner

and then again

after he goes to sleep

and it does things to his body

that harry wouldn't do on his own

and darcy is worried

and second harry wants to beat the shit out of him

and he knows this 

because he can hear darcy

and second harry

in his head

but he can't hear this new one

and it scares him

and he starts to shake

and louis holds him close

and while he's pressed to louis' chest

he explains that his therapist

sent him to a home

and said that this new personality

is potentially life threatening

and harry doesn't particularly like himself

but maybe he's a coward

or maybe he has too much hope

but he would've never dared

to do the things

that this new person does to him

and louis tries to figure out why

and asks harry if he's insecure

and maybe that's his insecurities manifesting themselves

but harry just shakes his head

but he knows why

he just can't bear

to tell louis

♡


	2. black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis meets harry's alternates
> 
> all of them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay chapter 2 enjoy :)

the next day

harry asks louis

to be his boyfriend

and whether or not he already knows 

that louis will say yes

he still shakes

and his voice still cracks

half way through

but louis just giggles

and throws his arms around harry's neck

and he's up on his tip toes

and he whispers "yes" in harry's ear

and harry thinks he might explode

but he hangs onto louis

and squeezes extra tight

when louis giggles again

and louis pulls away

arms still around harry's neck

still on his tiptoes

with a certain wonder in his eyes

and harry watches him carefully

while he slowly leans in

and closes his eyes

and harry does the same

and then he's on his lips

and feels _so_ good

and warm

and right

and it's quiet in his head

for once

♡

harry started spending the night

and louis was glad because that meant

that the plague-minded personality

couldn't bother him hardly ever

but it was bad

because every time he left harry alone

harry wouldn't be harry until louis came back

and one night

he came back to harry 

perched over the toilet

fingers shoved down his throat

and cuts bleeding down his arm

and when louis gasped

harry looked up at him

but it wasn't harry

and the bright green that usually composed his iris

was swallowed whole by a giant blackness

and louis started to cry

when it smirked at him

and then collapsed on the floor

and he knelt down

and shook harry's body

until it was harry again

and when harry took a look at his arm

and the tears running down louis' face

they clung on to each other 

and cried

but it wasn't always bad

because louis got to meet the other alternates

darcy first

one night

when he was watching t.v.

and harry said he would make dinner

and when louis went to get a drink in the kitchen

and found an apron-clad harry

humming something

stir-frying vegetables at the stove

and he looked up

and said 

"hello louis!"

and went back to humming

and louis shook his head

and smiled

and as he walked out of the kitchen 

he said

"very nice to meet you, darcy."

and she called back

"nice to meet you, lou!"

and at dinner that night

he told harry

to tell darcy

that dinner

was lovely

and harry blushed

and louis giggled

and another night

when louis was in the shower

he heard a knock on the door

and someone yelling

"dude, i've gotta piss"

and real harry

would never call louis

dude

so he calls out to second harry

"i'll be a second!"

and he turns the shower off

and wraps a towel around his waist

and goes out the door

and second harry rushes into the bathroom

and pisses obnoxiously loud

and comes out the door

and sits on the couch

and when louis comes into the room

in sweatpants and a sweatshirt

and they're harry's

so he looks petite

second harry

tells louis

that he'll give it to harry

that if louis was a girl

he'd be pretty hot

and louis rolls his eyes

and second harry laughs this deep and rough laugh 

that isn't like harry's

and louis thinks that they could be friends

except for when they argue

that no matter what personality has it

harry's body belongs to louis

and second harry is not allowed 

to screw around with anyone else

and real harry and darcy agree

so second harry is missing in action

for a few weeks

until darcy makes his favorite brownies

and louis sits back and watches second harry

and marvels at how they all interact

and how he can develop attachments to each one of them

and technically they're all harry

but they aren't

and they almost forgot

about the third alternate

until harry wordlessly got up from the couch

and went into the bathroom

and louis rushed in

when he heard gagging

and he pulled him away from the toilet

and shoved him to the floor

and pinned him down

and begged the thing inside of harry

to tell him what the fuck he wanted

but it just smiled back at him

cunning

and

demonic

and louis has never felt unsafe around harry

but in that moment

he wasn't sure anymore

but when harry came back

and stared louis in the eyes

and said he watched the entire thing happen

but he couldn't do anything to stop it

and he started crying when he talked about

the look on louis' face

and said that 

he has never been so sorry in his life

and he held louis

and promised he would make it up to him

and louis told him that he did nothing wrong

and he shouldn't take it personally

that louis fucking hated

the thing 

that he came face to face with earlier

and he knew

that harry would never make up something

so evil

and this wasn't his fault

but harry didn't feel better

because it was

but he couldn't tell louis that

not before

and not now

♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i already have everything planned out i dont know like i just feel like it's better in chapters but thank you for reading hehe :)


	3. perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis can't hold back anymore
> 
> neither can harry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehe

they don't see much of it anymore after that

the personality

which darcy has affectionately named

hellraiser

and louis and darcy become exceptionally good friends

because they both have the same 

dry sense of humor

and louis takes darcy shopping

for girl clothes

since she's been complaining for ages

that she feels to out of place in harry's clothes

and if second harry can have his own wardrobe

why can't she

and harry thinks its ridiculous

and second harry despises the idea

and they agree that as long as she doesn't leave the house

with any of her clothes on

that she can have her own wardrobe

so she buys dresses

and yoga pants

and tight shirts

and louis won't admit it

but he loves it

when harry

just for a moment

after darcy gives him his body back

is wearing the tight clothes

and he's storming around

looking for his chinos

and slightly less tight shirts

and even when it's just harry

louis has had this growing lust

and there are times

when all louis wants to do

is slam harry on the bed

but he's holding out

because harry hasn't mentioned anything of it

and he doesn't know how to say it

but harry doesn't know how to say it either

even though he's felt the same way

and one night

when they're curled up in a ball together on the couch

under a throw blanket

and louis runs his fingers down harry's long torso

and ends at the waistband of his boxers

and harry gasps

and louis looks up at him

eyebrows raised

eyes wide

harry clenches his jaw

and picks him up

and carries him into louis' room

and drops him on the bed

and pulls his shirt over his head

pulling by the shoulders

and louis is short of breath already

and harry slips a hand under louis' shirt

and pulls it up

and up

and off

and louis wants to scream 

and tell harry to hurry up

because he just wants him

and harry struggles

to get his pants off

and kiss louis at the same time

so louis helps him

with steady hands

because he's telling himself to go slow

because he needs this to go right

and he bites 

and pulls

on harry's lip

because he knows it drives him 

absolutely crazy

and harry shoves his sweatpants to the ground

with a kick

and louis catches a glance

of the massive bulge

in harry's boxers

and he swells with pride

because that's because of him

and it's all his

and he just loves this

and he arches his bum up

so harry can pull his sweatpants off too

and he wants to smack harry

when he's pulling them from his ankles

and he purposely lets his face hover

right over louis' dick

and lets his warm breath

fall all over him

because he just wants him

and harry gets them both bare

and then pulls louis under the covers

and gets on top of him

and he pulls on louis' hips a little

so he's in line with his bum

and louis breathing is uneven

and harry knows louis so well

that he knows its because of nerves

so he grabs his face

with steady hands

and tells him he'll be gentle

and if he needs to stop

that all louis has to do

is tell him

and he calls him baby

and louis' heart skips

because he loves that

so he concentrates on his breathing

and he lets harry prep him

because he knows it will hurt if he doesn't

but if he's honest

he's so eager

that he would willingly go without

but he waits

and he's patient

and harry is attentive

and gentle

just like he said

and he holds louis close while he does

and louis finally tells harry

that yes

he's ready

and harry smiles big

and lines himself up

and closes his eyes

and pushes in

and he loses his breath 

because louis 

is so tight

and warm

and perfect

better than he ever even thought

and he can't help but moan 

when he starts rolling his hips

and he looks up

and sees louis' mouth

gaping open

and his eyes rolled back

and he's making him feel good

and it's perfect

and he goes harder

and harder

and deeper

and reaches a spot in louis

and louis bucks up

and clings onto harry's neck

and moans onto his skin

while harry fucks him harder

and sets a hand on his dick

and pumps

and he comes

and its loud

and harry comes soon after

because the sight of louis under him

became too much

and he collapses

and pulls out a bit after

and lays on louis

and when they've gained the energy 

harry lifts his head

and rest his forehead on louis'

and tells him

in a raspy

and gravelly voice

that louis loves

that

"you were perfect."

and louis breathes something

that harry doesn't hear at first

but puts it together in his mind 

and louis said he loved him

and he fights the explosion in his head

and he fights to say

through the biggest smile

that

"i love you too."

and they both fall asleep

sticky with sweat 

and its warm

and its perfect

♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos if you feel it's worthy or comment and tell me what you think and ill give you a fragment of my soul


	4. jobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis and harry get jobs after final exams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is for petiteroses because it is because she's lovely yay enjoy :)

when its comes time

at the end of second semester

that they have to take finals

louis has one in the late afternoon

on friday

and he's worried

because he'll be gone for two hours

but he won't tell harry

because he doesn't know how to say it

"hey harry,

i don't want to leave you alone,

because i'm convinced that 

you have a psychotic killer

in your head,

but i have to go, 

so good luck."

so he keeps to himself about it

but come time to leave 

and take the final

he's almost shaking

and he's worried that he'll come home to 

something he doesn't want to think about

and he does

and he wasn't ready to see

hell raiser sitting in the middle of the kitchen

testing out the different knives and razors

from around the house

on harry's skin

and louis is angry

and not with harry

but he wants to strangle this thing

this creature

that's taken residence

and is hurting his harry

and he pulls it up by the collar

of its shirt

with all his strength

and looks him straight in the eye

and tells his black irises

that if he hurts harry

one more fucking time

and it smirks again

and louis asks what the hell it's smirking at

and he hears it voice for the first time

and it sends shivers down his spine

and it growls

low and chilling

that

what will he do

because he can't hurt it

without hurting harry

and louis smacks it

and when its hand goes up to its face

and its head turns back to louis

its harry's surprised eyes looking back at him

seething green

and louis pulls him in

and tells him that it's okay

and harry shudders

and he's shaking

and they're both quiet when louis

wraps bandages around his arms

and they sit on the couch quiet 

that night

and louis isn't mad

he's just lost

and harry is too

and it's summer now

so louis will have to get a job

and he doesn't know what to do 

about harry

but they decide

a week later

when louis applies for a job

at the overly priced coffee shop

down the block

that they'll get harry a job at the grocer 

down the road

and louis is angry

that there isn't another vacant position

at the overly priced coffee shop

so that he can watch over harry

always

because he needs to now

and this thing will take every opportunity 

that it gets

and he can't let it

so harry gets a job

and he bags food for people

and sometimes gathers the carts

in the parking lot

and he makes friends

with a lot of the people in town

and sometimes second harry

steps in

and he flirts with a lot of the women

and sometimes darcy

steps in

when harry is told

to stock shelves

because she's the most organized

and she likes to learn about food

so its good

and they keep hellraiser

away

and that is very good

and louis feels content

and he isn't so restless being away from harry

and harry isn't so restless

away from louis

but they love seeing each other after their shifts

and things are good

until louis sees harry get thin

and very very thin

and louis thinks

that maybe the 20-year-old

is going through a weird phase

because he is ever-growing

and there is no way

that hellraiser is around

because he hasn't had the opportunity

but things are starting to get strange

for louis

when harry doesn't have stories from work anymore

and darcy and second harry

are much more subsided than usual

and when they are around

they're distant with louis

like they're hiding something

but not willingly

and louis does not want to believe it

but one day

when darcy is washing dishes

he asks her

and she sighs

and shakes her head

and says

"i keep telling him to tell you."

and louis heart is racing

and he needs to know

what everyone else knows

but he doesn't

and harry isn't one to keep things from him

so this is exceptionally scary

and he doesn't want to believe darcy

when he drops the dish in the sink 

and turns to him

and tells him that harry

hasn't been showing up to work

or getting paychecks

and he didn't know why at first

but he knows now

and he won't tell louis

because he's scared

and when he thinks about telling louis

hellraiser gets louder

and much 

much 

angrier

and darcy asks louis

if he's noticed anything weird 

about harry's arms

and he shakes his head

and she walks closer to him

and turns her arm

so the inside of her upper arm is showing

and there are these red and brown welts

burns from a lighter

marring his pale skin

and how could he not notice this before

and he starts to cry

and darcy rubs through his hair

and tells him he needs to talk to harry

but he needs to be gentle

because harry's about to break

and before louis can ask 

what that means

harry is back

and he sinks to the ground

in front of louis

who's sitting in a chair

and they grab each others hands

and louis tries not to cry

when harry's head rest on his lap

and he's so helpless

because louis can't help him

and he's never felt so useless in his life

and he doesn't even know

about the screaming match

that's happening in harry's head

and what it's doing to him

and harry breaks the cold 

and quiet air

when he tells louis

that he's sorry

and all louis can do

is shake his head

but he's too upset to tell harry

that he has nothing 

to be sorry for

and harry finally tells him

why it is that hellraiser even exists

because he's always known

he just hasn't had the courage

to tell louis

but he breathes deep

and tells him

that

hellraiser 

is exactly what louis thought

that he was

and he's a manifestation

of harry's insecurities

but particular ones

and he has to pause

because he doesn't know

if he can risk hurting louis

with what he's about to say

because he knows louis

is sensitive

and he takes things to heart

and he blames everything on himself

but he also knows 

louis deserves to know

so he tells him

that he never felt good enough

hanging out with louis

back when they were just friends

and he realized

that he wasn't funny enough

or fit enough 

or good enough

for louis to like

and he wanted to be

so badly

and all the while louis is shaking his head

mouth agape

because partly 

he can't believe it's his fault

and partly 

he can't believe harry thought

that he wasn't good enough

for louis

but harry explains

how louis is this 

perfectly curvy and cheeky

ideal image of a boyfriend

with high cheekbones

and honey brown hair

and sky blue eyes

and he's never felt good enough

and it baffles him

that louis

has stuck around

this long

because no one ever does

and then the fact that louis 

out of all people

chose to take care of the handful

that is harry

is amazing to him

but louis shakes his head

and tells him

that he has always felt

inadequate

for harry

and told harry

that his long torso

and narrow hips

and green eyes

and curly hair

and pouty lips

and his laugh

and his smile

and the way his arms wrap around louis

careful

and warm

is to die for

and he tells harry later

that no matter what

he loves him so much

and they fall asleep

in each other's arms

but he doesn't think

until the next day

before he leaves for work

about what he's going to do

when he has to leave harry home

so while he's rushing out the door

he begs darcy

and second harry

to fight it with all they can

and keep harry safe

and he'll figure something out

and louis is so anxiety ridden

and he's cold

because he's soaked

and it was pouring rain

and he's shaking while he opens the door

because he's scared

of what he's going to see

so he opens it slowly

and harry isn't anywhere in sight

which only heightens his anxiety

while he's looking in different rooms

and he's silently praying 

that he isn't in the bathroom

because he doesn't know

if he can take that again

but its the only room he hasn't looked in

and surely enough

when he opens the door

he sees a cackling hellraiser

surrounded by empty pill bottles

and louis thinks he might faint

because harry starts to get woozy

and louis stands in shock

while he falls back against the tile

and lays there

and he can hardly breathe

making the call

for the ambulance 

and he screams when harry 

won't come back to him

and he shakes him

and kisses his forehead

and begs him

until strong arms 

are pulling him back

and things kind of fade

and blur

into black

♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry omg  
> but if you comment  
> and spill your emotionals  
> im sure youll feel better :)))  
> maybe if you angrily click the kudos button you'll feel better too :)))))))


	5. free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis wakes up in the hospital
> 
> harry does too

when louis opens his eyes

he's staring at a white ceiling

with black specks

and his vision comes into focus

while he listens to the patter

of the rain 

outside the window

and when his mind is clear

he sits up

and the first thing he notices

is a hospital bed

and his memory is back

and he rushes over to harry

who is laying on his side

and he's breathing

and the steady

beep

beep

of the heart monitor

brings comfort to him too

and he brushes curls out of harry's face

and he doesn't realize

that he's crying

until the warm streak on his face

turns cold

and all he wants to do

is hold harry

but he doesn't know

what wires are for what

and he doesn't want to move them

because he wouldn't give up 

holding harry now

for any sort of complications

so he just watches

and he's never appreciated

the steady rise and fall

over harry's chest

so much

and then he hears footsteps

and from behind the curtain

comes a doctor

in a stark white coat

and she's going through

a packet on a clipboard

and louis is waiting for her to say something

but she won't

and she keeps eyeing through the papers

and he's getting angry

because he knows she knows

that he's standing right there

but eventually she looks up

and tells louis

that harry has survived the odds

and he's undergone severe damage

to his liver

and it should have failed

but it hasn't

and she says that like she disappointed 

and she explains that they have to 

keep monitoring him

because he's still at risk

and he asks when harry will wake up

and she shrugs

and walks out

and he wants to run after her

and tell her she's bad at her job

but he can't stand to leave harry

so he sits in the seat

next to his bed

and he grabs harry's hand

and its warm

and he is so happy about that

and he lifts it to his face

and brushes his lips over his knuckles

and rests his forehead on it

and sat there like that for hours

while the nurses came in and out

to check his levels

and draw blood

and switch out ivs

and he just wants to take harry home

and carry him to bed

even though he probably can't pick him up

and he asks one of the nurses

to be completely honest with him

because he's dying to know

if harry is going to make it

and she says

with a solemn expression

that she doesn't know

he practically breaks

and he feels like he's going to puke

and he sits back into the chair

and starts to cry

and it gets worse

when the shitty doctor

comes back in the room

going over results

and she asks to have louis in the hallway for a moment

and louis can hardly breathe

and he feels whats coming

he just knows

and he's right

when she has the same

unamused

unsympathetic look 

when she tells him

that harry only has a few hours

before he goes

and louis stands breathless

while she walks away

without a look

in his direction

and he knows

that if he makes one move

his knees will give out

and if he tries to speak

he'll scream

and everything seems very 

very

blurry

while he wanders back

into harry's room

and watches him sleep

and holds his warm hands

because these will be 

the very last moments

he will be able to

and he can't even think straight

so he tucks himself into the sheets

and wraps his arms around harry

and buries his face in his neck

and whispers all his favorite things

about harry

to his skin

and he tries not to cry

but sometimes

his voice breaks

and he has to 

for a moment

before he carries on

"the color of your lips,

and the way you smile in the morning,

and the way that your eyebrows

knit together when you're frustrated."

and tears well up in his eyes again

before he tells harry

that he loves

absolutely everything

about him

and when he hears

a tiny whisper

a raspy one

asking him if he means it

he nods 

and tries to stay strong

because he doesn't want to tell harry

what that doctor told him

because he isn't sure that harry would want to know

so he doesn't

and pulls himself together

and him and harry lay together

and harry taps louis' nose

and he smirks

and louis sheds tears on accident

and harry gets confused

and asks louis why he's crying

so louis tells him that he's just upset

because he thought he lost harry

and forces a smile

and harry smiles weakly

and tells louis that he's still breathing

that there's nothing to worry about

and louis asks harry about the future

because he needs to know

what harry intended

and harry tells him that he wants a future

with louis

and louis smiles while harry tells him

that he's going to get a phd in psychology

so that he can help people

just like him

and he'll make a lot of money

so him and louis can live in a great big house

and louis can do whatever he wants 

and they'll get married

the day that it's legal

and harry tells louis

that he really wants kids

and louis tells harry

that he will be a great dad

and harry says that he's getting tired

and he rubs his eyes

so louis lays a last kiss

warm and gentle 

on harry's lips

and tells him that he loves him

more than anything in the world

and pulls him close into his chest

and rubs through his hair

while the steady beeping

from the corner of the room

gets slower

and slower

and slower

until it's a steady noise

that rings in louis' ears

far after he's left the room

and louis has his demons

and harry had his

but louis hopes

that harry is somewhere

where he's happy

and he's free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i actually have an alternate  
> (((probably more happy)))  
> ending linked in the end notes  
> so if any crushed souls would like to feel complete again  
> read that  
> im so sorry

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! youre my favorite person in the world for making it to the end  
> i know its really weird  
> but i hope you enjoyed it maybe a little  
> sorry if youre emotionally damaged?  
> i still love you  
> also again i have an alternate ending here ([x](http://archiveofourown.org/works/696964)) just in case anyone wants to read that in an attempt to repair their souls  
> but other than that  
> please tell me what you think omg  
> im really curious  
> have a lovely day ♡  
>  ****UPDATE FEB 25****  
>  hey! so i was just wondering if you guys would like me to write in this style more? i have had this ziam in mind for like ever but it's not really working out writing it normally since i love this style so much more anyway. it'll be a lot more detailed and WAY longer so i don't know if that will be too overwhelming for a long story? let me know!  
> ♡♡♡♡♡♡ask me questions and tell me what you thought at [ niallvibes.tumblr ](http://niallvibes.tumblr.com)♡♡♡♡♡♡  
> 


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